Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Be Fearless

Last week Liz @ Fitness Blondie launched her Fearless Project.  I had just started following her blog not too long ago, and then this project popped up.  She challenged everyone to write about what they have been through in life and persevered to become fearless.  I am a big believer that everything happens for a reason, so when this project popped up I took it as a sign that I should write about that one thing that I've been putting on the back burner.

Liz @ Fitness Blondie

My story is definitely in the becoming fearless stage, but you have to start somewhere.  This is definitely different content then I'm used to writing about over here, so pardon me while I go a little off course today.  And bare with me because my story is definitely a little lengthy.

Martin and I got married in September of 2012 and we both knew that once we were married we wanted to start trying to get pregnant right away.  We were both 29 and were anxious to get our family started.

We tried for a couple months with no success, and I just had a feeling it would happen when it would happen.  On New Years Eve we found out that we were in fact pregnant.  I remember the adrenaline and excitement, and almost disbelief that it was actually happening.

We got off to a little bit of a rocky start.  I had some bleeding, which I came to learn is pretty normal.  Lots of doctors appointments to monitor that everything was getting started ok, and everything seemed fine.  I was just waiting to get to that 12 week mark to feel like I'd made it into the safety zone and finally be able to share with everyone around me that I was in fact pregnant.

And just as week 12 rolled around, that's when things took a sudden turn.  It was the last week of February 2013, and I remember the weather was horrible.  I had some bleeding and my doctors office had closed due to a snow storm so they sent me to the ER.  After several uneventful hours they sent me home saying everything was fine.  I didn't feel fine though, I felt very uneasy and was very certain that something was wrong.  I had a follow up appointment at my doctors a day later and again was sent home with them saying everything was fine.

Later that same day I was at work, and my water broke at almost 13 weeks pregnant.  I didn't know at the time that that was what was happening, but I definitely knew whatever was happening wasn't good.  The hospital that I was taken to confirmed that my water had broken, and at 13 weeks the baby would not be able to survive and develop properly without the amniotic fluid.  It would just be a matter of time before we would lose the baby.

Which is exactly what happened.  The experience I went through in losing that baby is what I can only describe as one of the most terrible things I have ever gone through.  It is hard to write about it now, even over a year later.

One of the hardest parts with miscarriage is that it is rare to really have an answer.  All you want is an answer as to why it happened, but you usually never know.  It's that feeling of, well if it was this, then I could have done that.

I read a ton of blogs, and follow along with a lot of girls as they go through their pregnancy with beautiful pictures and happy stories.  It's hard to feel like anyone else is going through what you are, which I know is so far from the case.  But it did motivate me to want to share my story.

After the miscarriage we knew we weren't giving up on trying to have children, but I wasn't ready to even entertain the idea of trying for several months.  Mentally, emotionally, and physically my body was in an entirely different place than it had ever been before in it's life.

I was carrying around an extra almost 20 pounds and depressed most all of the time.  Last May Martin and I took a vacation, and it was exactly what I needed as a reset.  I came back and I was ready to get my life back on track.

That is when I got serious with my diet and exercise and dropped the extra weight I had been carrying around.  Which not only helped in how I was feeling physically, but also mentally.

We decided to start trying again in August of 2013.  The months go by with a lack of results and it gets taxing and wearing on your spirit for sure.  In March of this year I was back in to the doctors to see what the heck was going on with me.  My cycles were all over the place, and after 8 months of trying, nothing.

Many appointments, blood tests, and ultrasounds later I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome.  Meaning there was no guarantee I was ovulating, and if I was, on no sort of regular basis.  Martin and I decided to try the route of fertility drugs, and see if that would work for us.

I am currently in my first round of treatment right now.  And sometimes I can't help but feel like a science project with all of the pills, and doctors appointments and blood tests.  But in the end if that's what it takes for us to start the family we imagined, then it's worth it.

I won't lie, some days are just plain tough.  It can be easy to feel defeated and hopeless.  Other days aren't bad at all.  I know others have been through way worse and had much more difficult obstacles to over come.  I know through my journey and story I have learned so much about myself, and Martin, as well as our relationship that I know we would have never learned or experienced had we not been dealt this hand.  For that I am thankful because I know that it is helping grow us in ways we never imagined.

That is my story of becoming fearless, if you made it all the way to the end, thanks for sticking with me!

7 comments:

  1. You are so brave to share this story. I am sincerely sorry that you had to go through this experience - someone very close to me also experienced a miscarriage - so I understand how painful and emotional it can be. I have my fingers crossed that eventually you will be able to start the family you always hoped for!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have to say I had a moment of doubt about sharing it - but I feel like that is the problem, most people don't talk about it and then it feels like it is happening to no one else because no one is talking about it, which isn't the case at all. Thank you so much for the good wishes, I will take all the good vibes I can!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow! I can't imagine the courage it must have taken to share this story! I'm so sorry for the pain and challenges that you've faced on this journey. Sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers your way with hopes that the fertility drugs will work...SOON! XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  4. Leslie, thank you so much for your kind words! I definitely hesitated in sharing, but with the good comes the bad and vice versa. I will take your positive thoughts, and I can only hope for something soon!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Your story touched me so much. I also had a miscarriage in February of 2013 and you're right, it is one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever endured. And I'll never forget, about a week after my miscarriage, I start hemorrhaging and had to be rushed to the hospital because I was losing to much blood. While there, the doctor explained that I had what is known as a "partial miscarriage" meaning the baby did fully "pass" like it was supposed to. When the doctor said that, my ex asked "Well can it be saved?", it was so unbelievably crushing to not only go through that, but hear him ask that. Nonetheless, I admire you for pushing forward with the fertility treatments. I know it's hard on you right now, especially your spirit because all of the appointments and pills, but they have great success rates these days! Plus, once you hold your little miracle in your arms (which you will), you will look back and all of this will be so worth it. This is just another stepping stone in life. I thank you so-- so much for sharing your story on my blog.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Aimee, you are absolutely amazing and beautiful inside and out!! I don't know how I missed this post before, but I am so happy I read it now... Your fearlessness is truly amazing!! Hugs to you friend!

    ReplyDelete
  7. You are so sweet, thank you so much. We wouldn't be where we are now with out all that and I'm so thankful to where we are today! Glad I have met amazing ladies like you on here!

    ReplyDelete